i started to ache when i started to think of you.

it's rare that i would share a story, but i don't really know what else to do because i really want someone to know. i always kept fond memories of this certain boy in my heart in my adult life. i never loved him. he was just a good friend. he had the "bad boy" vibe, and i was a prude that wanted to give into temptation. i tell this story because he wasn't actually a bad boy, and i know that now.

when we met, i knew i wanted to be his friend. he didn't care what anyone thought of him, and i found all my worth in what people thought of me. i was jealous at his ability to be genuinely happy. i thought if maybe i was his friend, he could teach me how to be happy.

i moved away, and our friendship bred into infatuation. it wasn't that we wanted to date. it was more that i recognized the beauty in him, and he recognized the beauty in me. he made me feel more safe to be me. we kept in contact despite the distance.

the first time he kissed me was all just fun. we both knew that. i don't know how we managed to maintain a great friendship that didn't get messed up by all that stuff. in other friendships, when the boundary into the physical realm was crossed, someone always got hurt. we must have been on the same page from the get go. i'm sorry; it's hard to remember the details 10 years later. in summary, we were two souls that wanted to feel alive and didn't want to take anything away from the other person. we were connected in a way i couldn't now explain. it was beautiful and innocent.

the last day i would ever see him, he messaged me to see if i was coming to town for the holidays. i was actually packing my car to do just that. when i told him this, he called right away.

"please come see me."
"i'm only going to be in town for the weekend. are you busy?"
"tonight, then? come see me tonight. can you pick me up?"
"do you live in the same apartment?"
"yes."
"i'm pretty sure i could. what time?"
"after dinner... [garbled sounds]"
"sorry, you cut out. 8? 9?"
"[distorted voice]"
"are you there?"

nothing. i tried to call back, but it went straight to voicemail. i made the drive and resolved to call him when i was in town. the phone still went to voicemail 6 hours later. my low self-esteem that always second-guessed whether my friends actually wanted to see me told me that he didn't really want to see me. also, would i technically be coming unannounced? he didn't know when to expect me. how could i just "show up?"

"but he told you to come," whispered my ego meekly.

i always succumbed to the negative voices in my head, typically. i thought about what he would do if the tables were turned, and i knew i had made my decision.

when i showed up i stayed in my car for too long. it took all my courage to knock on the door. his sister answered, and i could tell she was about to leave.

he was surprised to see me but greeted me warmly. it became clear he was supposed to go to someone's house right then with his sister. he told her to send his apologies, but he needed to catch up with an old friend.

i was embarrassed. i apologized profusely. i urged him to not disrupt his plans for me and to go with his sister. he said no, that he was happy to see me.

we talked for a long time. i remember him reading from this book to me. something about astrology and signs. in that moment, i wanted him. all of him. for being a virgin prude, i suddenly wanted to give up everything.

i prayed the most shameful prayer i've ever prayed, "God, let me have my sin. please. i want to give in, and i don't care if it's right."

he got this crooked smile on his face, and after that, it was seconds before we were making out and peeling off our clothes.

he led me to the bedroom.

i was so nervous. i felt my heart beating in every inch of my skin. music was playing. i remember the playlist shuffling through all my favorite songs.

he went slow as he kissed every single inch of my body. i was trembling. we were both completely naked in the literal sense, but i felt like we had been naked to each other for a long time before that. i was okay with this being the first time.

he went down on me. for lack of a more poetic way to say this, it was glorious. "what came next?" i thought inside my head. i wasn't sure. i thought maybe i should reciprocate though i had no idea what i was doing.

he stopped me. i felt a rush of emotions. why was i being stopped?

the song that just started playing suddenly seemed so loud - "the ocean" by mae.

"you have no idea how much i want to do this. i know if you do what you are about to, i will not be able to maintain self-control, and this will only lead to one thing."
"so don't have self-control!"
"i am your friend, and i know you don't mean that. you have beautiful values, and you deserve so much more. when i lost my virginity, it was with someone who i was not in love with. i've always regretted that. i vowed i would never take that from someone else if they were not in love with me. trust me, i want this and you, but it's not fair to you. i want you to promise me you'll fall in love and give it as a gift to someone."

i made that promise, and i kept it.

i was confused, and yet i felt precious. any other guy i knew in that situation would have taken the opportunity i presented, but the "bad boy" didn't. we kissed goodbye, but i had no idea that would be the last time i ever saw him.

i remember being irritated for awhile that he didn't give me what i wanted in that moment. as time passed, i became increasingly grateful for the gift he gave me. he didn't take advantage of his friend for a moment of temporary bliss. he treated me with respect. he was a gentleman.

years passed (nearly 10 to be exact), and i decided i wanted to thank him. we had lost contact when people quit using myspace and switched to facebook. in my more mature state, i really felt i needed to tell him how much i appreciated him for making me make that promise. i know that i am a better person today because i didn't sleep with him. (if i had, i know i would have become promiscuous. that might not make sense to you, but i know the events that happened in my life after that and not having my values in place and making that promise, i would have made poor decisions.)

i couldn't find him on facebook. i did a google search and quickly discovered that he had been murdered. i was shocked. did his "bad boy" vibe get him into trouble with thugs? what happened?

through news articles and obituaries, i discovered that he had shed that vibe. he was in school studying to be a nurse because he decided he wanted to help people. i read some comments from people he had tended to at his job, and it was overwhelming the admiration and respect they had for him. i finally found an article that detailed the situation of how he died.

he was murdered protecting his friends. he was at an apartment with two friends. a random guy busted in with a knife. he was looking for someone that wasn't there. they told knife guy that he wasn't there. he made them drop their cell phones and said he was keeping them hostage.

my beautiful friend jumped up and grabbed his phone to call 911 to get help for him and his two friends. while running to the other room, the knife guy stabbed him multiple times. he died there. the two friends made it out alive. this was 6 months ago.

i'm sad i can never thank him for what he did for me. i realize now there are two other people wanting to thank him for an even bigger gift he gave them and mine seems so childish and minute.

he was never the bad boy. he was always the good guy.

thank you, dear friend. until we meet again.

how desire changes a mood

the thing that echoes constantly,

"i wish i had known these things before i married you."

i wish i had known a lot of things before i married you. the sad part is, they are all things you could work on, but it's my very being you wish you had known. i thought you did, but you chose to overlook the most intimate parts of me.

i'm so overwhelmed. i'm burnt out. but instead i'm lying here wide awake while my best friend snorts coke and fucks casually. 

and the sad part is i'm jealous. people think i have this adventurous life, but it's all an illusion.

he used to make me feel so alive and free. now i just feel trapped. 

i lost him somewhere along the way. 

he's dark. it's disheartening. 

i can only try for so long. 

i have grown so much and left him in the dust.

[this got out of chronological order again. oh well.]

Fuck it all

I can't even wake you without getting my hand slapped. "I just want to take a quick nap." - at 8pm? That's called going to bed, honey. Or maybe that's the liquor talking. You moan about never getting to see your family, and they spend money to come and see you, and you pull shit like this.
I did everything for this move. But you'll never realize that.
I'm recognizing more and more how stupid I am for staying with you.

Never forget

I'm not who I thought I'd be, but then I look back and it was me who made me this way so I don't know how I didn't see myself going this way.

It's not over...

It's sad because you have this dream that you'll be a priority to someone, anyone. And then one day you realize none of that is realistic at all.
You're always going to come in second to someone or something.
You're always going to be sucked dry.
You're always going to be used and abused.
The worst part is most people are content with that. I've tried to be, but I can't.

who do i believe?

Copy.

A replica.

Presuming and assuming your the copy and I'm the original.

But that's wrong.

My mother always said, “You know what happens when you assume.”

Only U don't look like the ASS just ME.

This whole time I've been framed to be the copy.

Blissfully unaware that I was my own person.

But my hand was being held.

It was dragging me into a pit where I would be like you.

I never wanted to be you.

I should have never.

All the characters in the story wanted you.

I was the replacement.

I was nothing.

I was always nothing.

Deceived.

Burned.

Copy.

the quiet things that no one ever knows.

it's too easy to be realistic.
and by realistic, I mean negative.
the time feels like it's just going to drag on for eternity.
i don't know which is better or worse.
me to be protected and safe at home but alone....or living a little in fear and not being alone.
that's something i've struggled with my whole life. loneliness.
i can be in a room full of people i know and love and still feel completely and utterly alone.

and i hate this boy. the boy that haunts me. he won't leave me alone. i haven't told him to leave me alone. i say, "stop." and he respects me in that moment.
so is it really that bad? it's nice to have someone to talk to.
is it bad that i'm entertained? that i'm finding a cure for a boredom?
that i feel like he understands me?
that i crave the attention?

it's all talk. nothing more. nothing ever will come of it...





right???