how desire changes a mood

the thing that echoes constantly,

"i wish i had known these things before i married you."

i wish i had known a lot of things before i married you. the sad part is, they are all things you could work on, but it's my very being you wish you had known. i thought you did, but you chose to overlook the most intimate parts of me.

i'm so overwhelmed. i'm burnt out. but instead i'm lying here wide awake while my best friend snorts coke and fucks casually. 

and the sad part is i'm jealous. people think i have this adventurous life, but it's all an illusion.

he used to make me feel so alive and free. now i just feel trapped. 

i lost him somewhere along the way. 

he's dark. it's disheartening. 

i can only try for so long. 

i have grown so much and left him in the dust.

[this got out of chronological order again. oh well.]

Fuck it all

I can't even wake you without getting my hand slapped. "I just want to take a quick nap." - at 8pm? That's called going to bed, honey. Or maybe that's the liquor talking. You moan about never getting to see your family, and they spend money to come and see you, and you pull shit like this.
I did everything for this move. But you'll never realize that.
I'm recognizing more and more how stupid I am for staying with you.

Never forget

I'm not who I thought I'd be, but then I look back and it was me who made me this way so I don't know how I didn't see myself going this way.

It's not over...

It's sad because you have this dream that you'll be a priority to someone, anyone. And then one day you realize none of that is realistic at all.
You're always going to come in second to someone or something.
You're always going to be sucked dry.
You're always going to be used and abused.
The worst part is most people are content with that. I've tried to be, but I can't.

who do i believe?

Copy.

A replica.

Presuming and assuming your the copy and I'm the original.

But that's wrong.

My mother always said, “You know what happens when you assume.”

Only U don't look like the ASS just ME.

This whole time I've been framed to be the copy.

Blissfully unaware that I was my own person.

But my hand was being held.

It was dragging me into a pit where I would be like you.

I never wanted to be you.

I should have never.

All the characters in the story wanted you.

I was the replacement.

I was nothing.

I was always nothing.

Deceived.

Burned.

Copy.

the quiet things that no one ever knows.

it's too easy to be realistic.
and by realistic, I mean negative.
the time feels like it's just going to drag on for eternity.
i don't know which is better or worse.
me to be protected and safe at home but alone....or living a little in fear and not being alone.
that's something i've struggled with my whole life. loneliness.
i can be in a room full of people i know and love and still feel completely and utterly alone.

and i hate this boy. the boy that haunts me. he won't leave me alone. i haven't told him to leave me alone. i say, "stop." and he respects me in that moment.
so is it really that bad? it's nice to have someone to talk to.
is it bad that i'm entertained? that i'm finding a cure for a boredom?
that i feel like he understands me?
that i crave the attention?

it's all talk. nothing more. nothing ever will come of it...





right???

konfusion.

i never know what to think anymore.
do they really like me?
can she even stand me?
do they just put up with me because there are not better options for friends around here?
if they only knew me.
the wretched, selfish, negative, melodramatic piece of shit that I am.
i'm really upset for stupid reasons. why doesn't anyone call me or check up on me?
and yet, i still won't call first. it's probably a little selfish. it's mostly because i don't think any of them have the balls to tell me they actually don't want to hang out with me and so out of pity they'll invite me to do something. that's the thing...i don't want to be friends with someone out of their pity for me.

i lost 3 pounds since he left. my pants are starting to sag again. most woman would be thrilled, but this is not at all healthy for me given my condition.

the doctors have officially given titles to my mental state. i can't decide if that makes me feel better knowing that i am officially abnormal or if it just frustrates me more. maybe there was a tiny shred of me that hoped it was all in my head - er bad word choice. it is all in my head...but i guess i just meant that i was actually okay. i'm not.

anxiety. depression. post-traumatic stress disorder. borderline personality disorder. sleep disturbances.
yeah that's the biggest one bothering me lately...sleep disturbances. apparently i have some sort of circumstantial insomnia that if outside forces i have no control over change, i apparently can't sleep anymore. oh well. good that things around me are constantly changing.
here's to no sleep in this life. and the awakened periods to be filled with much anxiety and sadness and sham friends.