Tuesday

i don't think about suicide anymore.

i know that my blogs on here seem really negative and suicidal.
i'm healed of being suicidal thanks to God.
i'm just still lost. i'm not all here.
i know i have anxiety. i know some of it is ptsd. i don't want to admit to having either of those though. this is merely because i don't want to be medicated - again.
i know i was young, but i still remember those times. and that's the thing, i don't remember a lot of that time. that's how i know it fucked me up.
you fucked me up.
you killed my fucking dog. you thought medicating me after would make me okay. i saw you fucking throw her against the stucco wall. bitch. wussy asshole.

i just want to be able to sleep again. i don't sleep.
look what i found: "Chronic sleeplessness could be caused by psychological (mind-related) problems, such as severe anxiety or depression, or by a physical disorder."
yeah. severe anxiety. that's me. little miss fucked up.
oh yeah. and i act like a fuckin' kid when someone pretends to throw up.
i have panic attacks. i freak out. i hit people. it's bad. i don't want to think about it.
gosh.
i
suck
at
life.

there's no way he could actually like me.