the quiet things that no one ever knows.

it's too easy to be realistic.
and by realistic, I mean negative.
the time feels like it's just going to drag on for eternity.
i don't know which is better or worse.
me to be protected and safe at home but alone....or living a little in fear and not being alone.
that's something i've struggled with my whole life. loneliness.
i can be in a room full of people i know and love and still feel completely and utterly alone.

and i hate this boy. the boy that haunts me. he won't leave me alone. i haven't told him to leave me alone. i say, "stop." and he respects me in that moment.
so is it really that bad? it's nice to have someone to talk to.
is it bad that i'm entertained? that i'm finding a cure for a boredom?
that i feel like he understands me?
that i crave the attention?

it's all talk. nothing more. nothing ever will come of it...





right???

konfusion.

i never know what to think anymore.
do they really like me?
can she even stand me?
do they just put up with me because there are not better options for friends around here?
if they only knew me.
the wretched, selfish, negative, melodramatic piece of shit that I am.
i'm really upset for stupid reasons. why doesn't anyone call me or check up on me?
and yet, i still won't call first. it's probably a little selfish. it's mostly because i don't think any of them have the balls to tell me they actually don't want to hang out with me and so out of pity they'll invite me to do something. that's the thing...i don't want to be friends with someone out of their pity for me.

i lost 3 pounds since he left. my pants are starting to sag again. most woman would be thrilled, but this is not at all healthy for me given my condition.

the doctors have officially given titles to my mental state. i can't decide if that makes me feel better knowing that i am officially abnormal or if it just frustrates me more. maybe there was a tiny shred of me that hoped it was all in my head - er bad word choice. it is all in my head...but i guess i just meant that i was actually okay. i'm not.

anxiety. depression. post-traumatic stress disorder. borderline personality disorder. sleep disturbances.
yeah that's the biggest one bothering me lately...sleep disturbances. apparently i have some sort of circumstantial insomnia that if outside forces i have no control over change, i apparently can't sleep anymore. oh well. good that things around me are constantly changing.
here's to no sleep in this life. and the awakened periods to be filled with much anxiety and sadness and sham friends.

beyond confused.

what should i do?
i wish this wasn't such a taboo topic. i wish it was something as simple as needing stitches or having a cold.
the way to fix it is simple. this is not so simple.
i've decided that there are few ways to fix this.
the morally right answer and the morally wrong answer.
however, the logical and safe answer is the morally wrong answer.
the physically dangerous and stupid answer is the morally right answer.
did i lose you?

its funny how the world would say i'm stupid if i pick the morally right answer. i would even think i'm stupid.
however, the church would say i'm doing wrong if i picked the logical and safe answer.

fuck.
have i given this enough of a chance? i want to make sure i've given a good whack at it.

especially with the onset of last night - feeling like i'm a wretch when i've helped people. people who think i'm apparently a bitch.

i think the problem with society is that they assume every smart person is pretentious and rude because they are in fact, brilliant. i think another problem with society is that they assume behind every pretty face is a mindless, dumb, conceited, rude bimbo.

so if you're brilliant - you are hated.
so if you're pretty - you are hated.

you are judged without any thought as to how you really feel inside. no one finds out what your childhood was like, what you really think about politics or if you care about animals.

you are immediately thought of as unapproachable.
some people tell me its just jealousy. its probably true.
i would feel entirely too much vanity in my heart if that were to be admitted.

whats worse is when you are both. you look like a model and think too highly for the world to comprehend the thoughts that are put upon your mind, the dreams you dream, and the equations you make up.

why couldn't i die when i tried?
why am i still here?

why when i was born did God say, "I'm going to put her with this family. I'm going to put her through these extra trials, " instead of placing me in a normal family where I wouldn't have become so fucked in the head?

did i do something to deserve this before i even made it here?
what am i supposed to learn?
what am i supposed to do?

i don't love you, but i always will.

some days are better than others.
today was a "better" day.
"better" is such a relative term. "better" doesn't mean good, great, or amazing.
isn't anything "better" than hell? okay, so hell is a lot worse than this. and i'll be the first to admit there are people in worse situations.
the point i'm trying to make is this day was better.
it was just okay. not bad. not good.

i always wonder if the house got cluttered and disgusting because we quit caring, or if we quit caring because the house was cluttered and disgusting.

i am so worried right now...about so many things. one thing in particular is just breaking my heart. i'm crying out to God to take care of it. please? these are my angels.
ah, another lonely night. :(