how desire changes a mood

the thing that echoes constantly,

"i wish i had known these things before i married you."

i wish i had known a lot of things before i married you. the sad part is, they are all things you could work on, but it's my very being you wish you had known. i thought you did, but you chose to overlook the most intimate parts of me.

i'm so overwhelmed. i'm burnt out. but instead i'm lying here wide awake while my best friend snorts coke and fucks casually. 

and the sad part is i'm jealous. people think i have this adventurous life, but it's all an illusion.

he used to make me feel so alive and free. now i just feel trapped. 

i lost him somewhere along the way. 

he's dark. it's disheartening. 

i can only try for so long. 

i have grown so much and left him in the dust.

[this got out of chronological order again. oh well.]

Fuck it all

I can't even wake you without getting my hand slapped. "I just want to take a quick nap." - at 8pm? That's called going to bed, honey. Or maybe that's the liquor talking. You moan about never getting to see your family, and they spend money to come and see you, and you pull shit like this.
I did everything for this move. But you'll never realize that.
I'm recognizing more and more how stupid I am for staying with you.

Never forget

I'm not who I thought I'd be, but then I look back and it was me who made me this way so I don't know how I didn't see myself going this way.

It's not over...

It's sad because you have this dream that you'll be a priority to someone, anyone. And then one day you realize none of that is realistic at all.
You're always going to come in second to someone or something.
You're always going to be sucked dry.
You're always going to be used and abused.
The worst part is most people are content with that. I've tried to be, but I can't.