konfusion.

i never know what to think anymore.
do they really like me?
can she even stand me?
do they just put up with me because there are not better options for friends around here?
if they only knew me.
the wretched, selfish, negative, melodramatic piece of shit that I am.
i'm really upset for stupid reasons. why doesn't anyone call me or check up on me?
and yet, i still won't call first. it's probably a little selfish. it's mostly because i don't think any of them have the balls to tell me they actually don't want to hang out with me and so out of pity they'll invite me to do something. that's the thing...i don't want to be friends with someone out of their pity for me.

i lost 3 pounds since he left. my pants are starting to sag again. most woman would be thrilled, but this is not at all healthy for me given my condition.

the doctors have officially given titles to my mental state. i can't decide if that makes me feel better knowing that i am officially abnormal or if it just frustrates me more. maybe there was a tiny shred of me that hoped it was all in my head - er bad word choice. it is all in my head...but i guess i just meant that i was actually okay. i'm not.

anxiety. depression. post-traumatic stress disorder. borderline personality disorder. sleep disturbances.
yeah that's the biggest one bothering me lately...sleep disturbances. apparently i have some sort of circumstantial insomnia that if outside forces i have no control over change, i apparently can't sleep anymore. oh well. good that things around me are constantly changing.
here's to no sleep in this life. and the awakened periods to be filled with much anxiety and sadness and sham friends.